In your mind it’s raining. You’re drowning in negative thoughts. You feel lost and alone. You don’t have to be any of those for you have options. Though they may not be viable they are there. What is there to do? I want to help. I always want to help. I want to take your pain away or at least numb it. We call each other friend though we may have reverted to simple acquaintances. Let me be your umbrella. Let me shield you from the painful precipitation that washes your sanity away. I feel your loneliness. I want to share your pain so that you can feel at least a bit of comfort. I can’t though. I know this. You continue in your turmoil. I fail. You fall. We both drown.
I am not a faith based person. I believe in what I see, hear, touch, etc. That being said, I know that there are things out there that I will never be able to experience or inspect myself. Does this mean that everything outside of my range of contact doesn’t exist? See how my mind is full of contradictions? Maybe it’s safe to say that I believe in things that makes sense. Though who am I to determine what makes sense or not? Thinking the way that I do how am I not clinically insane? If I can’t believe, trust, or have faith in anything that is beyond my grasp then I’m literally living inside an invisible bubble and everything beyond that is a figment of my imagination. What if it is? How do I know?
Generally I want to know everything. Everything that ever was, is, and will be. Now I’m sure that the human brain can never in infinity contain all of that information. So, I guess this means that I want to become more than a human. I want to… Damn…Lost my train of though. Not sure where I’m going with this anymore. I’ll get back to it later.
Sometimes when I’m bored, whether alone in my room, at work, or with friends in public places, I like to stare into space. I enjoy it though I grow annoyed when I am yanked back into reality by someone, a noise, or just a random heavy thought. While in public I try not to stare at people, for obvious reasons, so I tend to stare at a wall, or up at the ceiling. No shits are ever given when I am observed doing this for I bare no shame for my enjoyment of temporary blankness. I often wonder if this is what meditation is like. If so then I may inquire as to why close your eyes while doing it? It possibly just be myself but it’s far easier to induce a sort of blank trance while I’m staring or focusing on some point than with my eyes closed actually trying to do it. I don’t understand it. I wish that I could, but I don’t think it’s something that’s too important. I mean isn’t the whole point is to cease thinking and to just let things be? I don’t know where I was going with this rant or whatever this is. Just felt like writing what was on my mind. Laters.
I had a pretty decent sleep last night. I slept for about 7 hours before waking up then going back to sleep for another 5. That’s pretty fair. When I woke up I had a nice talk/skype chat with a friend and all was good. I ate left over tacos for breakfast. All things that would suggest that I’m doing great today. Why do I feel like shit though? I have absolutely no reason to complain, whine, moan, or anything. Right now I’m just doing the usual, tumblring, youtubing, just shooting the breeze being a lazy bum. That doesn’t bother me, that’s the daily for me, it’s become my routine when I’m not at work. Though when I don’t have something to temporarily occupy my head this darkness just creeps in. There’s no subject it’s just the purest of dark stuff. I try not to equate dark with the color black so when I say dark I mean just badness. This badness is in my head. For no reason. Liquid is coming from my eyes for no apparent reason. I’m not sad, I’m not happy, I’m not hungry, I’m not mad, I’m not anything. I’m just this ever growing bubble that won’t pop. Fragile yet so durable. I’m constantly being filled with nothing and I’m growing larger and larger and nothing is happening. This may not be a bad thing but I just do not understand where it is coming from. It has to come from something. Things do not appear from no where. Nothing is ever created or destroyed, so where is it coming from? Why is it here? Why me? Why nothing?
When I think of you it’s not on purpose. I don’t usually get pleasure from it. Don’t get me wrong I have nice, pleasant thoughts, but that’s not what I want. Let me put it another way, it is what I want, but I’m aware that I’m incapable of having it so what would be the point of fantasizing about it? Now to whomever may be reading this, the subject of this is not one person but a collection of many. Many women that I have the displeasure of thinking about constantly. Many women that I’ve had feelings for, have had deep long conversations with, and have just longed for for the longest time to no avail. This is for the collective.
It’s weird. Though we’ve talked a lot, have told each other sooo much about ourselves, I’m positive that I don’t know you. Maybe I knew you at the time but too much time has passed and now we’re practically strangers. At the time that would’ve been the last thing that I wanted to happen though situations such as these will forever be out of my hands. I feel like I’m the one for you as you are for me though at the same time I feel to incompetent to suit your needs. I’m lacking something incredibly vital. I think I have an idea of what it could be though I can never be too certain. I’m never certain about anything. You know this. That could be another reason on the long list of reason of why I could never been the one. Not sure what else to say. I didn’t want to turn this into a rant, but again, I don’t get what I want even when I do have control over it. So…yeah.
Every time we touch I get this feeling.
Every time my skin comes into contact with yours I get goosebumps.
You’re stunning, beautiful, honestly none of these words can ever do you justice. Women want to look like you. At the same time you’ve told me many times that you think yourself to be unattractive , ugly, and it annoys and pisses you off when people tell you how pretty you are. At first I thought you were trolling me until I saw the very serious look on your face whilst explaining it. As a result I call you mentally I’ll and go on to generalize that all women are crazy. I proudly stand by that statement. You laugh it off and continue to finish your ice-cream. I finish my milk shake. It was very windy that day. I suggested that we play tennis, just like I suggest to everyone I hang out with. The answer is always the same. I sigh into the wind.
A coward is what I am. I don’t think any other word fits me so well. So, there’s this girl. She’s cool, nice, cute, smart, yadda yadda. I barely talk to her. If ever we do talk it’s random at best. The main reason that we ever speak is usually due to an interloper starting some sort of conversation while I’m around which gives me some sort of excuse to put in my 2 cents. All I know about her is through what others have taken the time to discover while I just happen to be around to discover the same. So right there I’m more of a spy, undeserving of what information I already have. Sometimes I sit and it’s like some sort of astral projection of myself gets up and talks to her then asks her out. Though in physical form it never happens. Fear keeps me still. The simple fear of rejection. Not just that though, it’s the fear or rejection and the fact that I have to see her every day afterwards. Oh yeah, the setting is at work. So if I’m rejected I’ll have to see her everyday and smile and pretend that nothing ever happened. If I’m too smiley about it then that could come off as creepy, weird, or that I haven’t given up. If I’m not smiley at all and just tries to stay away, that could come off as I’m “acting funny”. This level of paranoia paralyzes me to do absolutely nothing but sit and spectate. I know that there’s the absolute slimmest of possibilities that she feels the same way, But that’s where my cowardice comes into play. The negatives far outweigh the positives so again, I do nothing. In doing nothing, I become nothing. Nothing more than a coward. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’ve never asked someone out before or talked to someone. I have plenty of times. I’ve been accepted and rejected numerous times. It’s just…now my mind is at this low point to where I can’t take any rejection of that level right now. So to protect myself just a bit longer, I just do nothing.